arguments – Moment to Moment (Bible blog)

How to build relationships…and tear them down

In this passage, we see some important principles for building and maintaining our relationships.

One of the key issues is watching what we say.

Solomon writes,

A wise man’s heart guides his mouth,
and his lips promote instruction.

Pleasant words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. (Proverbs 16:23–24)

Whenever we talk to people, we truly need to consider what we’re saying.

Are our hearts wise enough to know what to say, and when to say it? Are our words sweet to the souls of others and bringing healing to them?

These things build a relationship. On the other hand,

A perverse man stirs up dissension,
and a gossip separates close friends. (Proverbs 16:28)

There are people that are always tearing relationships apart instead of bringing healing to them.

In some cases, they stick their noses into the affairs of others, spreading gossip and rumors concerning them, and causing their relationships to fall apart.

In other cases, they themselves are involved personally. Someone has hurt them, and instead of dealing with them face to face, they start complaining about them to others, and gossiping about what horrible people they are.

But as Solomon says,

He who covers over an offense promotes love,
but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. (Proverbs 17:9)

This of course does not mean that we should just ignore sin or try to hide sins that are causing great harm to others.

However, every day people do sin against us whether intentionally or not. Most of the time, they’re minor annoyances. Sometimes they’re more major.

But small or great, we do not make things better by spreading gossip about others and complaining about them to the people around us.

Rather, if it’s really bothering us, then we should do as Jesus commanded us, and confront our brother or sister face to face. (Matthew 18:15)

And when the issue is resolved, we then need to cover it over with forgiveness, and never bring it up again. Don’t say, “I thought I told you not to do that! How many times do I have to tell you?”

Rather, deal with the issue at hand, without referring to the past.

Sometimes, though, if the issue is really minor, you should just drop the issue and let it go. Solomon tells us,

Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam;
so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. (Proverbs 17:14)

And again,

He who loves a quarrel loves sin;
he who builds a high gate invites destruction. (17:19)

Sometimes my wife will get on my back for not doing things a certain way, and I’ll think, “It’s so minor! Why is she so upset about such a minor thing?”

But then God will tell me, “Yeah, it’s minor. So don’t waste your time arguing about it. Just do it! If you argue, all you’re doing is building a wall in your relationship. And if over the years you build it high enough, you can destroy your marriage.”

I often have to swallow my pride, but I think it’s one thing that has helped our marriage thrive up to this point.

Frankly though, I think she has to put up with a lot more from me than I do with her, so I’m truly grateful for her patience. Which brings up another point.

A man of knowledge uses words with restraint,
and a man of understanding is even-tempered. (17:27)

Even when we argue with people, we should use restraint in our words, and be cautious about how we say things. And we should be even-tempered. It’s when we lose our temper that we often say things we regret.

How about you? Are your words building up your relationships? Or destroying them?

Not worth arguing about

Every once in a while, my wife and I will have a disagreement. Generally speaking, they tend to be small things, but our conversation can get heated at times.

It’s very strange to me how stubborn I can get (dare I say my wife as well) about things sometimes. And I often find myself fighting pride, not wanting to give in to her.

Just as an example, on our baby stroller, there are some straps with hooks on them that will naturally just slide down the sides of the stroller handle if you don’t make a conscious effort to hold them where they are.

(When there’s no bag or something on them holding them together, anyway).

One time, my wife got really annoyed with me because I let the straps go down yet again and left them there until she used the stroller the next day. (In my defense, she’d never mentioned it before).

From my standpoint, it was a very small thing. So it falls down. It takes all of 2 seconds to push them back up again. Who cares? Apparently, my wife did.

Still, my thinking was, “If it takes two seconds, and she really cares about it, she should just push it up.”

It took God’s little voice saying, “If it takes two seconds, why don’t you just push them back up before you put the stroller away,” to get me to stop the argument and to start changing my habits.

Yep, pride can be a pretty nasty thing in these kinds of arguments.

Abram’s dispute with Lot was much bigger. The land couldn’t support the two of them, and it was causing a huge problem between their men.

Abram had every right as the leader in the family to say, “Get lost Lot. I get first pick of the land, and I’m going this way.”

There could’ve been a big dispute over the land, but instead, Abram said, “Hey, we’re close relatives. This isn’t worth arguing about. There’s a lot of land. You choose where you want to go, and I’ll go the other way.”

And when Lot chose what looked to be the better land, Abram didn’t argue; he just said, “God bless” and left. And what’s more, God blessed him for it.

How much better would life be if when we’re arguing about something, we say, “Look we’re friends. You’re my husband. You’re my wife. Our relationship is much more important than our dispute. So I’ll bend on this because I love you.”

How much better would our lives be if we could just let pride go, and as the apostle Paul said:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:21)

How much of the Lord’s blessing would we find in our relationships, if we would learn to do that?