confronting – Moment to Moment (Bible blog)

When we must confront

Confronting a brother or sister in their sin is never a pleasant thing. Quite frankly, if you do think it is fun, you shouldn’t be doing it at all.

But sometimes it is necessary, and here we see in Paul’s life some principles for doing so.

Paul wrote,

Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, because it is by faith you stand firm. (2 Corinthians 1:24)

Here we see a key attitude when confronting people. We should never come to a person with the attitude of, “You must listen to me.”

Rather it should be with a heart of, “I really care for you. I want to work with you through this so that you can overcome your sin. I want you to know true joy, and to stand firm in your faith.”

So often, though, we instead come with an attitude of condemnation, and the love of Christ is not evident at all as we confront them.

But with Paul, it was totally different. He said,

For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you. (2 Corinthians 2:4)

There’s no pride or arrogance here. Rather, it’s a heart that truly cared for the Corinthians.

He also confronted them with the strong hope that they would repent as a result.

Sometimes as we confront people, we do so not because we have hope that they will repent, but simply to vent our anger at them and condemn them.

But Paul wrote,

I wrote as I did so that when I came I should not be distressed by those who ought to make me rejoice.

I had confidence in all of you, that you would all share my joy. (2 Corinthians 2:3)

In other words, “I wrote so that when I came again, we wouldn’t have to go through another painful visit. I wrote as I did because I believed in you. I believed you would repent, and that ultimately, we could share in the joy of the Lord together when I came.”

Our attitude as we confront then, shouldn’t be “This is so like you.”

Rather, it should be, “This is so unlike you. Let’s get back on track.”

Finally, we need to know that there is a time to confront, and there is a time to let God work.

Paul had made his initial confrontation and had been rebuffed. He considered making another attempt, but in the end, put it off. Why?

I call God as my witness that it was in order to spare you that I did not return to Corinth…

So I made up my mind that I would not make another painful visit to you.

For if I grieve you, who is left to make me glad but you whom I have grieved? (2 Corinthians 1:23, 2:1-2)

And so while Paul wrote another letter pleading with them to repent (2 Corinthians 2:3), he put off seeing them.

Sometimes that is the best thing: to leave people in the hands of God while letting them know that you still care.

So when we confront, let us do so with these attitudes. And by God’s grace, we will see good fruit in the lives of those we care about as a result.

Biblical principles: When people repeatedly hurt you

Dealing with hurt is difficult. Dealing with hurt from those you once trusted is even worse.

What do you do when someone continually hurts you? Do we just take it? What does Jesus say?

Fortunately, we don’t have to guess.

It seems that as the disciples were arguing among themselves about who was the greatest, they had wounded each other, resulting in cracks in their relationships. Jesus knew this, and that’s why he gave them the instruction we see in this passage.

He said,

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. (Matthew 18:15)

Notice two things here. First, if someone hurts you, you are not to wait for that person to come to you and apologize to you. You are to go to them.

Often times we are so angry at the other person, that we demand that they come to us and apologize for what they did.

But that kind of attitude is not one of peace, but of pride. And God calls us to be peacemakers.

Remember that in the Beatitudes, Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.” (Matthew 5:9).

That doesn’t just mean bringing peace between others that you know. It means bringing peace in your own relationships.

But if there’s one thing that will prevent peace in a relationship, it’s pride.

Furthermore, there are many times when people hurt us, and they don’t know it. As a result, we could wait forever, and they’ll never come. So Jesus says, if someone hurts you, you go to them.

Second, notice that there’s no room for gossip or slander here. Jesus doesn’t say, “If your brother hurts you, go tell the world about it.” He says, “Go to the brother that hurt you and talk about it.”

And hopefully, when they understand the hurt they’ve caused you, they will apologize and your relationship will be restored.

A key point, by the way.

If someone confronts you like this, remember that what’s not important is if you feel your words or actions should have hurt them.

What’s important is that your words or actions did hurt them. And it’s on you not only to apologize, but to make sure you avoid such actions in the future. That’s also what it means to be a peacemaker.

But what if you confront a person who hurts you, and they refuse to acknowledge their wrong?

Then Jesus says bring one or two other people with you. Share with them what happened. Not to gossip or badmouth the other person. But with the hope that with their help, reconciliation will happen.

It’s entirely possible that with their counsel, you realize that you are simply misunderstanding the other person. Or perhaps with their help, the other person will come to understand they were wrong.

Either way, remember the goal of bringing in these people is peace.

If a person still refuses to hear you, then bring in the church. You don’t have to bring in the whole congregation. But perhaps bring in a pastor or another respected person of the church and have them try to mediate.

But if that fails, Jesus says,

Treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. (Matthew 18:17).

What does that mean?

Basically, it means to change your expectations of them. Don’t expect them to act like a brother or sister in Christ, because they are not acting that way. Treat them as an unbeliever who doesn’t know Christ.

We don’t expect unbelievers to act like believers, and if a person refuses to repent, we should stop expecting them to act like a believer.

Keep your guard up against them. Don’t fool yourself into thinking they’ve changed until they repent, and you see signs of that repentance.

And if at all possible, try to avoid them, much as people avoided tax collectors in those days.

Why?

Because you’re bitter?

Because you’re angry?

No. You need to let go of those feelings because they will bind you up.

Rather, avoid the other person because they are dangerous to you. As long as they can’t see their own wrong, you’re always in danger of being hurt by them. So avoid them.

How about you? How are you dealing with the people who have hurt you?