Tag: marriage

Categories
Matthew Devotionals

The standard we follow

Matthew

We live in a world now where things that were once common sense are now openly questioned. More, you are condemned if you dare to question what the world now believes.

For example, according to the world’s standard, the ideas of “male” and “female” are just a social construct.

According to the world, these ideas of “male” and “female” have no objective basis in reality. As a result, we can define “male” and “female” however we want to.

People also are now questioning what marriage is. It used to be assumed by almost all that marriage is between one man and one woman. This is no longer the case.

But we do not follow the world’s standards. We follow Jesus’. What did Jesus say?

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that he who created them in the beginning made them male and female, and he also said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?” (Matthew 19:3-5)

According to Jesus, how did he create us? As male and female. Gender is not something that humans thought up. It is something God created.

According to Jesus, what is marriage? It is a man leaving his father (male) and mother (female) and being joined to his wife (female).

And there is no arguing with Jesus. He will not compromise his standards. We see that when the disciples tried to argue about his standard for marriage, that it was to be for life. They said,

If the relationship of a man with his wife is like this, it’s better not to marry. (10)

Jesus’ answer?

Not everyone can accept this saying. (11)

When he says, “this saying,” Jesus is not talking about his teaching on marriage. He’s talking about about the idea that it’s better not to marry.

And he says, “Not everyone can be happy living single. Some choose to be single so they can serve God’s kingdom better. If they’re happy with being single, great!

“Others, because of physical problems, can’t get married.

“But whatever their situation, if they can accept what you said, and think it’s better to be single, that’s fine. But if they want to get married, they need to accept what I have taught. There is no middle ground.”

Those are hard words. And I believe Jesus has great compassion for those who love him and yet struggle with his words.

He has compassion for those who give up on the idea of marriage because they grew up in broken families and they worry that if they get married, it won’t go well.

He has compassion for those who struggle with homosexual feelings and feel they can’t get married as a result.

He has compassion on those who struggle with their gender identity.

And so as Christians, we too are to have great compassion on those who struggle in these ways.

But the answer is not to change Jesus’ standards. We are to hold to the standards that he has taught.

The struggles we have are not because his standards are wrong. The struggles we have are because we are people broken by sin.

The good news is that for those who belong to Christ, these struggles will not last forever. For as John said,

Dear friends, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet been revealed.

We know that when he appears, we will be like him because we will see him as he is. (1 John 3:2)

So let us never compromise our Lord’s standards. Rather, holding to the future hope we have, let us purify ourselves just as Jesus is pure. (1 John 3:3)

Categories
Hebrews

Honoring our marriages

Hebrews

When you look at the spiritual and moral landscape of the United States, Japan, and many other countries, it’s amazing to see how the concept of marriage has deteriorated.

You don’t even need to dip into the idea of gay marriage to see this; just look at heterosexual ones. How far have we departed from God’s intention for marriage?

Marriages where two people truly become one, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Marriages where they remain one for life. Marriages where they are so united, that it would be unthinkable to cheat on their partner.

What do we have instead? Cold marriages. Abusive marriages, both physically and verbally. Affairs. Selfishness, divisiveness, and ultimately divorce.

Why? We don’t honor marriage. We definitely don’t honor the marriage bed anymore. Is it no wonder that our marriages are in the state they are in?

And so the writer of Hebrews admonishes us,

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Matthew 13:4)

Think about this. When you don’t honor marriage, and when you don’t keep the marriage bed pure, God doesn’t just turn a blind eye to it. He judges it.

If you stray from your marriage and go the arms of another man or woman, he will judge you for it.

When you despise the marriage bed and you sleep with someone before you are married, God judges you for it.

Why? Because you are meant for one person. You are meant to join yourself as one to only one person, not two or three or more.

So when you sleep with people before you get married or you cheat on your spouse, you despise the marriage bed and what it represents, the joining of two people as one in a permanent bond.

But you also despise the marriage bed if you are cold to your partner. If you withdraw physically and/or emotionally from them. If you’re selfish, only looking out for your own needs, and not caring a whit for your partner’s needs. If you’re abusive toward your partner.

When you act these ways, it’s totally contrary to what the marriage bed represents.

Do you honor marriage?

Do you honor your own marriage, seeking to bring true oneness to it?

Do you honor others’ marriages, refusing to engage in adulterous activity that would break that marriage up? Do you instead do everything you can to encourage that couple draw closer to each other as one?

If you’re single, do you honor your future marriage, keeping yourself sexually pure for the one you will marry?

If you don’t, God will judge you. It is no light matter to him. He will judge you.

What does God see when he sees your attitude toward marriage?

Categories
Ephesians

Unity in marriage

happy couple

I have never really thought of this before, but as I’ve been going through Ephesians, it seems to me that this passage is merely an extension of what Paul has been saying throughout.

That is, in Christ, the church has become one, with the dividing wall of hostility that was between us being torn down.

So often, in marriage, however, the wall of hostility seems to remain. (Albeit Paul is specifically referencing the wall of hostility due to the law in Ephesians 2:14, not the wall of hostility in marriage).

We see the beginnings of this wall in Genesis chapter 3, following the fall of Adam and Eve.

God said to Eve,

Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you. (Genesis 3:16)

The words are strikingly similar both in English and Hebrew to Genesis 4:7 where God tells Cain,

Sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it. (Genesis 4:7)

God told Cain, “Sin desires to take control, but you must be the one that rules over it.”

And in the same way, ever since the time of Adam and Eve, many women have desired to take control of their marriage relationship contrary to the plan of God.

But in the end, many found themselves being the one submitting, not out of voluntary love, but merely because of their husband’s physical strength and ability to force them to submit.

And unfortunately, too many husbands do use violence and abuse to wrest control from their wives. Their wives, in turn, fight to get out from under that kind of abusive control.

The result: a completely fractured marriage, with a wall of hostility between husband and wife, even though they are both supposedly one in Christ.

What’s the solution?

Paul says,

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-24)

We saw in Ephesians 1:22 that God placed Christ as the head of all things for the benefit of the church. And as we yield to him, we find blessing.

In the same way, God has placed the husband as the head of the wife for her benefit. And so just as the church yields to Christ, a wife is to yield to her husband.

More specifically, as a wife yields to the Lord, she is to yield to her husband. For it is in doing so that she will find blessing in her marriage.

There are many women, however, who fight their husband’s headship because they’re not finding blessing in submission. Why aren’t they finding that blessing?

In most cases it’s because we husbands forget something very important: God has not given us the leadership role in our marriages for our own selfish benefit. Rather it is for our wives’ benefit that God has given us this trust in order that we might bless them.

Paul makes this crystal clear in the next few verses,

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word… (Ephesians 5:25-26)

The ironic thing in all this? In Christ blessing the church, they become a blessing to him; they in fact become one with him.

And in the same way, when we husbands bless our wives, they become a blessing to us, and we truly become one with them as God intended from the beginning. More on this next time.

Categories
1 Corinthians

Authority and submission

1 Corinthians

This is one of the most difficult passages in scripture to try to interpret and apply.

Many people have done so in different ways in relation to head coverings in the church.

Some have said it’s still necessary today, but most have not, saying that it was a cultural thing.

Honestly, I’m still trying to work out Paul’s meaning there, so until I come to a firm conclusion, I think I’ll leave that argument for another day. (Don’t hold your breath, though).

Whatever conclusion we come to head coverings, however, I think there is a definite principle we need to take from this passage, particularly concerning our relationships in marriage.

Paul teaches,

Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. (1 Corinthians 11:3)

Here we see something very important. God has within his own nature the concept of authority and submission which is then reflected in our relationship with him, and in the relationships between husbands and wives.

Paul says here in the final part of the verse, “The head of Christ is God.”

What does he mean? I think it’s pretty clear when putting together the different verses of scripture.

According to 1 John 4:14,

The Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world.

And when Christ came into the world, he told the Father,

Here I am–it is written about me in the scroll– I have come to do your will, O God. (Hebrews 10:7)

As he lived his life on earth as a man, he told the Jews,

For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. (John 6:38)

But lest we think Christ’s submission to the Father was just a temporary thing while he was on earth, Paul tells us concerning the last days and the eternal kingdom to come,

The end will come, when [Jesus] hands over the kingdom to God the Father after he has destroyed all dominion, authority and power.

For [Jesus] must reign until [the Father] has put all his enemies under his feet…

For [God the Father] “has put everything under [Jesus] feet.”

Now when it says that “everything” has been put under him, it is clear that this does not include God himself, who put everything under Christ.

When he has done this, then the Son himself will be made subject to him who put everything under him, so that God may be all in all. (1 Corinthians 15:24-25, 27-28)

In light of all these verses, I don’t think there is any doubt that Christ, though he is fully equal with God in nature, nevertheless submits himself to the Father, and will do so for all eternity with no disparagement to his nature for that submission.

Why do I go through all the trouble to make this point?

Because there are many who claim that for a woman to subject herself to a man’s authority, namely, a wife to her husband, is a disparagement to her humanity. That she is somehow to be considered lesser than man for doing so.

And as a result, they balk when Paul says, “the head of woman is man,” and try to explain it away.

But Paul clearly states here that there is an order to things.

The Son is subject to the authority of the Father. Man is subject to the authority of the Son. And woman is subject to man.

This does not mean that woman is not equal to man in her humanity. Paul goes out of his way to dismiss any such idea as he said,

In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman.

For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God. (1 Corinthians 11:11-12)

In other words, though there is a role of leadership that God has ordained men to take, nevertheless, men and women need and depend on each other.

And there is no room for men abusing their authority over women. Rather they are to honor and love them in every way, just as the Father honors and loves the Son in every way.

More, we are to remember that we are all subject to God because he is our Creator.

So I guess for you married women, the question to ask is, “Am I willing to submit to myself to my husband as the Son submits to the Father? Am I willing to follow my husband’s leading as he follows Christ’s leading in his life?”

For you married men, the question to ask is, “Am I honoring my wife as the Father honors the Son? And do I love my wife as Christ loves me and gave his life for me?”

If you’re a single woman who’s considering getting married, the question becomes, “Is my boyfriend/fiance subject to Christ? Can I trust him enough that I will submit to him as I submit to Christ?”

If not, you had best put off marrying him until you can say yes.

And if you’re a single man, the question to ask is, “Am I subject to Christ in my life? And how will my subjection to Christ play out in my role as husband when I get married? How will it lead me to treat my wife?”

If you can’t answer those questions in a right way, you too need to put off marriage until you can.

Who are you subject to?

Categories
1 Corinthians

When it’s wise to put off marriage. When it’s wise not to.

1 Corinthians

For a variety of reasons, many people not only in Japan, but in America as well are putting off marriage until their late 20s and into their 30s.

In some ways, that’s probably a good thing. There was no way I was ready for marriage at age 19 or 20 as some of my friends were when they got married.

(I must admit, I was a bit surprised and perhaps a bit skeptical at the time, but they remain happily married to this day).

But everyone is different, and what is perfectly fine for some people is not for others. And that’s what Paul points out here in this passage.

Again, one of the main questions some Corinthian couples had here was the issue of whether it was appropriate for them to get married or whether it was better to put it off, in some cases permanently.

And Paul gives us three things that we should think about when we’re considering whether to get married or to put it off.

I think one thing to consider is your attitude toward marriage. Namely, are you going into it totally committed to making it work, or are you going into it already planning an out?

In other words, are you thinking, “Well, if things don’t work out, I can always get divorced.”

If in the back of your mind you are not committed to marriage and are already leaving the back door open, you shouldn’t get married.

Why? Because Jesus said it was to be permanent.

Paul wrote,

To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.

But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)

This was the application that Paul drew from Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 19:3-12.

Even Jesus’ disciples were shocked by it at the time, saying, “If that’s the case, it’s better not to get married.”

And if that’s the attitude you have, don’t get married. Put it off until your attitude changes. And if it never changes, then it’s best for you to never get married.

Another factor to consider is your circumstances. Because of the Corinthians’ “present crisis,” Paul advised them to put it off. He said,

But those who marry [in these less than ideal circumstances] will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Paul was probably talking about the circumstances of persecution of the church, as I mentioned before.

But I think we can draw in a larger principle. There are circumstances in which it would probably be best to put off marriage.

One might be finances. If you are not financially prepared for marriage, it will be very tough, and it is in fact the reason for many divorces in society today.

Another reason might be your own emotional baggage that you have to deal with.

Perhaps you were abused by your father or by previous boyfriends. That kind of thing can have a huge effect on your relationship with your spouse. And in that kind of situation it is best to put it off until you resolve those issues.

But whatever your situation, Paul gives us another consideration to weigh.

Struggling with sexual temptation may seem to be a bad reason to get married, and certainly it’s not the best reason to get married, but it is also a very real issue for many people.

And Paul writes,

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.

But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:8-9)

Paul is saying here, “If you’re feeling intense sexual desire for your boyfriend or girlfriend and you don’t feel that you can control it, then get married, even if the circumstances don’t seem ideal.”

That said, Paul again says if you can at all control your desires for a time, it’s better to put things off until you get your other issues resolved. By getting married too soon can put a strain on you and your marriage.

But by God’s grace, if you are committed to your partner with no back doors, he can bring you through whatever marital struggles you go through.

So the really big question you need to ask yourself before getting married is this: Are you willing to commit yourself to your spouse with no back doors?

Categories
1 Corinthians

Good to be single?

1 Corinthians

Looking at this passage, it would be easy to say that Paul was less than enthusiastic about the institution of marriage.

He never says with exuberance, for example, “Yes! Marriage is a great thing! Get married.”

Instead, he says things like, “If you get married, you haven’t sinned (verses 28,36).” Hardly a ringing endorsement.

He later says the one that marries does what is right, but the one that remains single does even better. (1 Corinthians 7:38)

What do we make of this?

Perhaps rather than seeing it as Paul downplaying the goodness of marriage, we should see it as Paul trying to make crystal clear the goodness of being single.

Paul’s words go so against the words we often hear from our family and friends.

“Hey, isn’t it about time you get married? You’re not getting any younger, you know.”

“You’re such a beautiful young woman. Why aren’t you married yet? How about this guy? Or that guy?”

But Paul makes it clear: “Hey, if you’re single, that’s a good thing! Why?

An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs–how he can please the Lord.

But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world–how he can please his wife–and his interests are divided.

An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.

But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world–how she can please her husband.

I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Speaking from experience, I can agree with Paul that it is much easier to serve the Lord as a single than as a married man.

As a married man, I always have to keep my wife in mind and my daughter as well when it comes to ministry. It of course helps that my wife is also a Christian and is fully supportive of what I do.

But I have to keep everything in balance: spending time with my wife, spending time with my daughter, spending time in ministry.

The single person doesn’t have to worry about keeping that kind of balance. And Paul says that if you can live your entire life without any urge to get married, that’s a gift from God. (1 Corinthians 7:7)

How can you tell if you have that gift? Well, let’s put it this way. If you don’t consider your singleness as a gift, you probably don’t have that gift. 🙂

But whether you have that gift or not, remember this: God can use your time as a single for his glory. You can touch so many lives around you, and make a huge difference in this world for him.

I know so many people who have used their time as a single to do just that.

For some, God blessed them with a spouse later. For others, God gave them contentment with being single.

So if you are single, don’t mope around, depressed that you haven’t found that special someone yet.

Rather, determine to take advantage of the time you have as a single person to serve God, trusting that if it’s his will, he will bring the right person into your life at just the right time.

How are you using this time God has given you as a single?

Categories
1 Corinthians

Marriage and divorce

1 Corinthians

It’s kind of hard to decide how to parse this passage because it keeps jumping between subjects. But I thought since I talked about marriage last time, I’d keep with that topic here.

And here, Paul re-emphasizes Christ’s ideal for marriage. He says,

To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.

But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)

Here, Paul is drawing from Jesus’ own words when talking to the Pharisees. Jesus said to them,

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?

So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6)

And again,

Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery. (Matthew 19:8-9)

I won’t get into details concerning Jesus’ words here because I’ve already done that here and the two succeeding blogs.

But the point Paul is making here is that marriage was intended to be permanent, and that’s how we ought to view it. He says again in verse 39,

A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. (1 Corinthians 7:39)

Which of course goes both ways. A husband is also bound to his wife as long as she lives. And so as much as it depends on us, we need to work to keep our marriage alive.

But what if it doesn’t depend on us? Paul addresses that later in the chapter.

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.

And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.

For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:12-16)

This is pretty straightforward, so I’ll just make a few comments here.

First, when Paul says, “I, not the Lord,” I don’t think he’s saying his words aren’t authoritative.

What he’s saying is that Jesus never specifically spoke about this situation where an unbelieving spouse desires to leave the believing spouse. So Paul says, “Since Jesus didn’t address that situation, here’s what I as his apostle, say to you.”

And as an apostle, his words on this topic are authoritative. If an unbelieving spouse desires to leave you, let them leave. God will not hold you responsible for that.

Second, just because your spouse isn’t a believer doesn’t mean that you should automatically leave them. By staying with them, God’s hand is on your family, and it gives him more room to work in the life of your spouse and your children, because God can work through you.

“Sanctified” here doesn’t mean saved, but “set apart.” And I think when any family has a believer in it, God takes special notice of that family to work in their lives.

Finally, notice that Paul emphasizes in verse 39 that if you’re a single Christian, you should only be marrying a Christian. He speaks specifically to widows here, but it only makes sense that he is speaking to all singles. You should only marry a person that belongs to the Lord.

Sometimes people think, well, if I marry a non-Christian, I can witness to them and they may be saved. But Paul tells the believer to let an unbelieving spouse go if the unbeliever wishes to leave. Why?

How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Answer: we don’t. There are no guarantees. And if you marry an unbeliever, I have seen many cases where the believer ends up miserable.

Marriage is tough enough when believers are married. But when two people have fundamental differences in their faith, it can cause even more hardship. Because of that, it’s best to avoid that kind of relationship from the beginning.

Categories
1 Corinthians

Sex in marriage

1 Corinthians

The need for sex is a very strong one. I think one reason God created us that way was so that people would come together in marriage and have children together.

And yet, as I mentioned yesterday, there are special parameters God has given concerning sex. It is only to be enjoyed between husband and wife.

Particularly in Japan, however, it seems that “sexless marriages” are on the rise. Numerous articles have actually been written on the subject.

Corinth was also having its issues concerning marriage and sex, and so they wrote Paul about what they should do.

In answer, Paul wrote,

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” (1 Corinthians 7:1)

Apparently, this is what some Christians were saying.

On one hand you had some people involved in sexual sin (chapter 5).

But here we see people going to the opposite extreme, saying that it was good not to have sex at all.

And in the Christian context, in which sex is restricted to married couples, the idea was that it was good not to get married.

But while Paul does say that singleness can be a good thing (1 Corinthians 7:7-8, 32-35), he told the Corinthians,

But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. (1 Corinthians 7:2)

Paul recognizes here that because the sexual urge in people is so strong, it can lead to sin unless they find a way to fulfill that urge.

And again, one main reason God gave us that urge was so that two people would come together in marriage, become one, and have children.

It is, in fact, a picture of our relationship with God. That we are joined with Christ, with he as the groom, and we as his bride, and in that joining we give birth to righteousness in our lives, the fruit of our love for him.

But anyway, Paul says when you get married, feel free to enjoy a life of sex with your spouse.

More, he encourages couples to make it a regular part of their lives.

He writes,

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.

The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

There are some key principles of marriage that we need to remember here. Namely, that when we get married, we no longer belong to ourselves alone. We belong to each other.

And so Paul says don’t deprive each other sexually except for short times so that you might devote yourselves to prayer.

And even then, that decision should be made mutually.

But then he says, be sure to come together again. Why?

Because if you don’t Satan will swoop in with sexual temptation. This is especially true with men, but also true with the women.

How many marriages are damaged because couples don’t follow the Lord’s instructions.

Instead, husbands and wives find their sexual fulfillment outside of marriage, ultimately destroying their marriage, not only causing pain to themselves, but to their children as well.

Let us not do that. Let us find satisfaction and joy in our own husbands and wives and never seek to find it anywhere else.

Categories
Romans

Married to Christ

Romans

I mentioned before that there were two points that Paul was trying to make through his marriage illustration.

The first, as we’ve already seen, is that when we die with Christ, the law’s power over us is broken. He illustrates that with the point that death breaks the law’s power over people in a marriage.

And as I said in my last post, you would think that in making that point, it would only seem natural for Paul to focus on the husband and compare us directly to him. The husband died, and the law lost power over him. We died with Christ, and the law lost power over us.

But instead, Paul puts his entire focus on how the husband’s death frees his wife from the law of marriage that bound her to him.

The result is a very confusing metaphor in which we are not compared to the husband who dies but to the wife who lives.

But in comparing us to the wife, Paul can more easily make his second point. What is that point?

Before we became Christians, we belonged to another “husband.” Now we belong to Christ.

In making that point, Paul clearly refers to Christ as the new husband and us as the wife. The question then becomes, “Who did we used to be married to? Who was our husband that died?”

I mentioned earlier that it can’t be the law, because we never see any passage referring to the law dying. Even now, the law serves a very important function. It shows what is good and what is sin. (Romans 7:7)

Who then were we married to? I believe it’s our old sinful nature. What do I mean by our sinful nature?

It’s a heart that is in total rebellion against God and insistent on going its own way. And from the time we were born, we were married to it. And the fruit of this joining, the “children we bear” so to speak, is sin leading to death. (Romans 7:5)

More, as long as we were married to our sinful nature, it was impossible to be married to Christ.

But when God saves us, he crucifies our sinful nature and puts it to death.

What happens when the sinful nature we were married to dies? Two things.

First, the law no longer has authority over us, just as when a husband dies, the law of marriage no longer has authority over a woman.

She died to the law of marriage when her husband died, and we died to the law of Moses and all its requirements when our sinful nature was crucified with Christ on the cross.

Second, with our sinful nature dead, we now are free to marry Christ.

And as I said before, through this joining with Christ, we no longer give birth to sin that leads to death. Rather, we give birth to the fruit of righteousness that leads to life.

It is ultimately the reason that only through Christ we can be saved.

As long as we are married to a nature that is rebellious towards God, we can never bear fruit towards eternal life. The “seed” it plants within us causes us to give birth to sin.

But when we are joined with Christ, through his seed planted in us, we give birth to true righteousness in our lives, and the result is eternal life.

Who are you married to?

Categories
Mark Mark 10 Matthew Matthew 19

Jesus on marriage and divorce: When our spouse’s heart is hardened

The gospels

I’ve mentioned before our need as a husband or wife to search our hearts. To see if there is any way in which we have hardened our hearts to God, or to our spouse.

This is important for any marriage, whether we think it’s healthy or not. Because if your heart is starting to harden to God or to your spouse, your marriage is in trouble, or very soon will be.

But what happens if our spouse’s heart has hardened against us? What do we do?

It’s a hard issue to deal with. And there are only two such cases that are specifically dealt with in scripture.

One is in the case where our partner is involved in adultery. And not only involved in adultery but is completely unrepentant.

Jesus specifically says in the Matthew passage, that divorcing that person and marrying another would not be considered adultery in the eyes of God.

Why is that?

Probably, because in the eyes of God, the other person has hardened their heart to the point that the bond has been completely broken. Your partner has become “one” with another.

The same can be said if you have been divorced, and your ex-partner has since remarried. In these cases, you are no longer bound to that person.

How about a one-time affair that your partner has repented of? That is less clear.

Trust broken at that level is difficult to restore. Not impossible, but very difficult.

That said, if your partner has repented, I do believe that it is God’s will that you stay with your spouse.

It won’t be easy. And you’ll definitely need the support of others on top of the grace of God. It will take time, probably much time to restore the trust. But it can be done.

And if your heart and the heart of your spouse is softened to Him, He can bring healing to your heart and to your marriage.

The apostle Paul brings up another situation in 1 Corinthians 7. Namely, abandonment. He says if your spouse is a non-believer, and they choose to walk away from you, you are not bound to stay married to that person.

These are the only reasons that Jesus and the apostles give for permitting divorce.

Many people today, however, wonder about domestic violence. Is divorce permissible in that situation? Jesus and the apostles were silent on the issue.

I don’t know why. It was a problem even in those days. Wives couldn’t divorce their husbands, but they could plead with the judges to force their husband to divorce them in cases of domestic abuse.

Because the Bible doesn’t address domestic violence, there are many pastors that think domestic violence is not a reason for divorce.

Here’s what I can say for sure: If you are in danger from your spouse, if they are abusing you and they refuse to get help, you are not bound in that situation to keep living with that person. Protect yourself and your children.

I think Jesus’ words to the Pharisees in Matthew 12:7 are very apropos here:

If you had known what this means, I desire mercy and not sacrifice, you would not have condemned the innocent. (Matthew 12:7)

I don’t think God requires the beating of and even killing of wives on the altar of preserving a marriage.

So does that mean divorce is okay in cases of domestic violence? I don’t know if that’s the right question.

So what is the right question?

Jesus said that in the days of Moses, God allowed for divorce because of the hardness of people’s hearts.

Question: Should those words ever describe the heart of a Christian?

No.

So in my opinion, God permits divorce only if your spouse’s heart is so hard, that to continue the marriage is no longer possible.

What does that mean for you if you’re contemplating divorce?

Whatever situation you may be facing, adultery, abandonment, domestic violence, or whatever else it may be, before you make any decision, search your heart.

And again, ask, “Is there any way in which I have hardened my heart to my spouse or to God?”

That is the most important question.

As long as the answer to that question is yes, I think you should put off ideas of divorce. Divorce should never be because of the hardness of your heart.

But in cases where you have totally opened your heart to God and to your spouse, and yet your spouse has completely hardened their heart to you and demands a divorce, or your life is at risk because of that person’s hardness of heart, I think divorce is permissible.

God doesn’t command it, but he understands, and it is permissible.

Categories
Mark Mark 10 Matthew Matthew 19

Jesus on marriage and divorce: When our hearts are hardened

The gospels

It’s kind of interesting looking at the gospels and trying to harmonize them sometimes. I don’t know if I’m harmonizing Matthew and Mark well here, but it’s amusing to look at these passages this way.

Pharisees: “Is it lawful to divorce your wife for any reason?”

Jesus: “Don’t you know that when husband and wife get married, the two become one? What God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Pharisees: “Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus: “Excuse me? What did Moses command you? He commanded you, ‘Thou shalt divorce your wife?'”

Pharisees: “Well, no. But he did permit a man to divorce his wife.”

Jesus: “That’s right. He permitted it, not commanded it. And the only reason he permitted it was because your hearts were hard. But it was not that way from the beginning.”

All humor aside, the issue is very serious. And in this passage, Jesus lays out why divorce is so common in our day and age. People harden their hearts against God, and they harden their hearts against their spouse.

How do people harden their hearts against God?

First, they harden their hearts against his teaching against marriage. That it is to be for life. That you are to be faithful to your spouse. That husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. That wives are to submit to their husband as the church does to Christ.

Instead, they make all kinds of excuses as to why it’s impossible for them to do so.

“Well, she doesn’t submit to me, so why should I show that kind of love to her?”

“Well he doesn’t show love to me, so why should I submit to him?”

“You just never know about marriage. Maybe he really isn’t the one, so it’s best to keep your options open in case it doesn’t work out.”

Or during their arguments, God starts speaking to one or both of them saying, “Let it go. Give in. It’s not worth fighting about.”

But in their pride or anger, they refuse to heed his voice.

How do people harden their hearts against their spouses? They fail to listen to each other.

When husbands hear their wives complain they are working too much, they dismiss it without thought, saying, “But we need the money.”

When husbands complain about a lack of intimacy, the wives dismiss it because they are “too tired.”

When wives share with their husbands how their actions or words were hurtful, husbands dismiss their wives as being too sensitive.

This list could go on and on.

The end result? Divorce.

So many people wonder why their marriages fail. Some try two or three times, or even more, to get things right, and never do.

The reason? They’ve never dealt with their heart. They’ve never learned to soften their hearts to God’s voice and to their spouses.

Are you single? Are you seeking a spouse? Then start by searching your heart.

When God speaks to you about your actions now, when he convicts your heart about the way you live, are you listening?

Because when you get married, he will start speaking to you about how you treat your spouse.

But if you’re hardening your heart to God now when he speaks, you’ll take that attitude into your marriage, and if you do, your marriage won’t last long.

Are you married? Are you frustrated by your spouse? Start by taking your eyes off of them, and put them on you.

How have you hardened your heart to your spouse? Let God speak to your heart about the things that you need to do.

Are you divorced and looking for another spouse? Before you do, ask yourself, how did I harden my spouse in the past? How did I harden my heart to God?

Because until you address these issues, you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes you committed before.

And the first question you need to ask yourself is, “Am I hardening myself to God and my ex-spouse by not working to reconcile with my ex-spouse?”

What is the state of your heart?

Categories
Mark Mark 10 Matthew Matthew 19

Jesus on marriage and divorce: Why divorce hurts so much

The gospels

Divorce is one of those touchy topics that is difficult to deal with, if only because of the emotions and hurt that is often involved.

But considering the social climate we’re in, in which marriages fall apart at such a high rate, I think that it is vital for us to take a serious look at what Jesus said about marriage and divorce.

The Pharisees came up to Jesus, asking,

Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? (Matthew 19:3)

This was a hot topic of the time, much as it is today. And for some of the Pharisees, they did pretty much believe that it was lawful to get divorced for any reason.

For others, they held a much stricter view that there had to be some kind of sexual sin involved for a divorce to be lawful.

The truth is, many of the Pharisees did get divorced, and as I mentioned before, often times, it was with the intent of marrying another.

They had married, only to meet another woman they desired, but in order to “avoid” the sin of adultery, they simply divorced their wife and married the other woman.

I believe it was this situation that Jesus was specifically addressing in the Sermon on the Mount, and in these passages here.

He was telling the Pharisees and us, “Even if you don’t technically commit adultery by sleeping with a woman you’re not married to, if you divorce your wife because you’ve found another woman, you are still committing adultery in the eyes of God, whether you marry that second woman or not.”

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

In answer to the Pharisees’ question, Jesus replied,

Haven’t you read…that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?

So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. (Matthew 19:4-6)

Jesus totally bypassed the arguments of the “experts” of the day, and went straight to scripture.

And by doing so, he tells us exactly what marriage was supposed to be: a union between a man and a woman where they are no longer two separate entities, but one. The two are “glued” together and become one flesh.

Sometimes people wonder why God says sex is only to be between husband and wife.

The main reason is that there is a joining that occurs during the sexual act. Not just a physical joining, but an emotional joining as well. It’s a joining in which the two are glued together as one.

Have you ever used super glue, and gotten your fingers stuck together? What happens if you forcibly try to pull them apart. Your skin rips off.

Divorce is the same. There is no clean break. Because of the oneness in body and emotion that occurred, it causes a tearing in the soul when two people divorce.

The same is true when two people become sexually intimate outside of marriage. When the relationship breaks up, there is a tearing of soul that occurs because of the oneness that was shared between them.

And that tearing becomes much more painful the longer the relationship goes on. All that they share, not just sexually, but all the experiences they go through together, both good and bad, pull a couple closer together and make them one.

Jesus is telling us the reason divorce is so bad is because it tears apart a part of our soul. What was meant to be one forever, a oneness in body, in heart, in soul, is torn apart.

And so he tells us, “What God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Am I saying there can be no healing from divorce? That there can be no forgiveness? No. But I think we need to understand two things.

First, marriage was meant to be forever. It was how God designed it.

And second, when we get away from God’s design, pain is inevitable.

Why then do so many people get divorced? We’ll get into that in the next blog.

Categories
Song of Solomon

Making time to be with your spouse

Song of Solomon

In this passage, we see Solomon and his wife spending time together.

In chapter 7, verses 1–10, we see Solomon expressing his delight in his wife and how beautiful she is. He also expresses how much he desires her sexually, saying,

How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
O love, with your delights!

Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.

I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit.”

May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine. (Song of Solomon 7:6–9a)

I don’t know how many people would use this kind of imagery today, but the meaning, I think, is quite clear.

She responds with delight, saying,

May the wine go straight to my lover,
flowing gently over lips and teeth. (9b)

And as she basks in her husband’s love, she sighs,

I belong to my lover,
and his desire is for me. (10)

But it doesn’t stop there. She suggests they go out together, and the purpose is very clear as she says in verses 12–13,

There I will give you my love.

The mandrakes send out their fragrance,
and at our door is every delicacy,
both new and old,
that I have stored up for you, my lover. (12–13)

Mandrakes were plants that were known for their aphrodisiacal properties.

So she is essentially saying, “Let’s go out and find somewhere new to make love. I have even stored up some new things, some surprises for us to enjoy together.”

In chapter 8, she continues to show her desire for her husband, saying she wishes that she could be as openly affectionate with her husband in public as she could with her brother.

She thinks back to her mother and how her mother taught her about love and marriage, and she desires to show her mother how well she learned.

And once again, in verses 2–4, we see the sexual desires she has for her husband, all the while charging those who are single to remain pure until marriage, as she had charged them twice before.

What can we get from this?

Number one, I think it’s important—perhaps even more so for the women—to understand how important sex is in marriage.

Men are wired to desire sexual intimacy in a very strong way. If you don’t know, women, let me tell you. We think about it constantly.

And while wives are often somewhat different from their husbands in their need for sexual intimacy, and some may not feel such a need for it as often, nevertheless, it’s important to make time for it.

To even initiate it as this woman did and come up with ideas for how to enjoy it more.

Why is it so important? It helps us to bond with each other.

But another major reason is that it’s protection for us, especially the husband.

Paul wrote to married couples,

Do not deprive each other [of sex] except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:5)

He also points out,

The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband.

In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:4)

Or as Solomon’s wife puts it,

My lover is mine and I am his. (2:16)

And so in marriage, it’s important to make time for each other. To make time for sex, certainly. But also, in general, going on dates and doing things with each other.

How about you? Are you making time for your spouse?

Categories
Song of Solomon

Anger, hurt, reconciliation

broken relationships

Marriage relationships don’t always go swimmingly. In this world broken by sin, anger and hurt between husband and wife are a given. The question is, how do we respond to it?

That’s what we see in this passage.

Most commentators take this to be a kind of dream sequence. But it depicts the feelings that often occur in marriage.

Perhaps the woman’s husband was late in coming home that night. Perhaps for work. Perhaps for other reasons.

And so she went to bed in anger and resentment, falling asleep before he came home.

In her dreams, she hears her husband calling, asking her to let him in because the door is locked.

But in her anger, she snaps, “I’m already in bed. Do I have to get up just to let you in?”

In Ephesians 4:26–27, Paul tells us,

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

That we will get angry with our spouse is a given. Inevitably we do things to hurt each other whether we intend to or not.

But Paul charges us not to sin in our anger. Not to hold on to anger or resentment, because in doing so, we give Satan a foothold in our lives, and in this case, our marriage.

But this woman held on to resentment toward her husband for being late.

Maybe he had had a pattern of coming home late. Maybe it was just this one night, but he had failed to call.

At any rate, when he finally came back, she had locked him out.

We may not lock our spouse out of the house (at least I hope you don’t), but how often in our anger do we lock them out of our hearts?

As the spouse locked out, how do we respond?

I think Solomon gives us a clue. He doesn’t try to force his way in. Rather, he simply leaves a sign of his love.

It says in verse 5 that when the woman finally came to open the door for him, she found it covered in myrrh.

In their culture, lovers would do this to show that they had been there. In modern terms, he left her flowers.

Sometimes our spouses get angry with us. Sometimes we feel it’s justified. Sometimes we don’t.

But if we don’t want Satan to get a foothold in our marriage, we shouldn’t respond to anger with anger, but with love.

Apologize, if necessary. And remind them of your love.

In her dream, as she saw her lover’s efforts to reach out, she finally responded, but it was too late. He was gone.

So she went out looking for him. It’s possible as she did so, she was beating herself up for her own attitude, which is perhaps why she dreamed of the watchmen beating her.

When others asked her why she was desperate to find him, she told them of all the things she loved about him.

It is something worth doing, even in our times of anger toward our spouse. It’s easy to focus on all the negative things about them. But it is especially during those times that we should think of all the things we love about them.

And while she talks about his physical features, she also describes him as the one who loves her, as a lover and a friend.

That’s what we should remind ourselves of too. That though our spouse may fail us, they do love us.

Perhaps it’s as her friends ask her, “Where is your lover that we may search for him,” that she awakes to find her husband by her side “browsing among the lilies.” (See chapter 4, verse 5, and chapter 5, verse 13.)

All her anger is forgotten, as she says,

I am my lover’s and my lover is mine. (Song of Solomon 6:3)

Marriage does not become a bed of roses naturally. It takes work. It takes cultivating. And part of that is dealing with our anger and the anger of our spouses in a right way.

How about you? How do you deal with anger in your marriage?

Categories
Song of Solomon

Wedding Day: God’s intention for marriage

I’ve been married for 8 years now, and I still remember my wedding day very well. I remember how beautiful my wife looked that day, and to this day, she is still beautiful in my eyes.

In chapter 3, you can see Solomon’s limousine coming to pick her up for the wedding, escorted by all his secret service men (okay, so it was a chariot and soldiers, but you get the idea).

Her eyes light upon Solomon looking stunningly handsome in his wedding garb.

Solomon in turn is totally infatuated with his new bride, as we see him in chapter 4, saying,

How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful! (Song of Solomon 4:1)

He then goes into intimate detail of all the things he likes about her, from her eyes, to her teeth, to her temples, to her lips, to her neck, and down to her breasts.

I can imagine him kissing each part as he whispers these words of love.

And unlike in chapter two, where she bade him to leave until the break of day, now he says to her,

Until the day breaks and the shadows flee,
I will go to the mountain of myrrh
and to the hill of incense. (Song of Solomon 4:6)

I don’t think you have to stretch your imagination far to understand what he means by mountain and hill, particularly after looking at verse 5.

At any rate, he and she intend to totally enjoy their first night together. And Solomon concludes by saying,

All beautiful you are, my darling;
there is no flaw in you. (Song of Solomon 4:7)

This is the language of love, and very erotic. And it is good.

How often do husbands and wives continue using this kind of language 10 or 20 years into their marriage?

How much better would marriages be if they did?

He calls her to leave behind her home in Lebanon and to be with him forever, saying,

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.

How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much more pleasing is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice! (Song of Solomon 4:9–10)

It’s a little weird in our culture to refer to our wives as sisters, but in their culture it was common. The idea is that she was now part of his family.

And if there’s any thought that French kissing started in France, take a look at verse 11. Solomon knew well about this type of kissing as well. 🙂

But one thing that Solomon admired about her was that she had saved her body for him and him alone.

Before their wedding day, she had been a locked garden, a spring enclosed, and a sealed fountain. Though there was much to enjoy of her in a sexual and passionate relationship, she had preserved herself for marriage.

But now, she opens up her garden to him, giving her whole self, body and soul to him, saying,

Awake, north wind, and come, south wind!
Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad.

Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits. (Song of Solomon 4:16)

After coming together, and as they lie next to each other, Solomon says,

I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride;
I have gathered my myrrh with my spice.

I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey;
I have drunk my wine and my milk. (Song of Solomon 5:1a)

At this point, someone speaks.

Who? Some say it’s her friends.

But my guess is it’s God himself. And he says,

Eat, O friends, and drink;
drink your fill, O lovers. (Song of Solomon 5:1b)

That’s what marriage is supposed to be. Two people loving each other, saving themselves for each other, and enjoying each other in every way.

This is what God blesses.

Categories
Proverbs

Blunt pieces of wisdom

You’ve got to love the bluntness of some of these proverbs.

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,
but he who hates correction is stupid. (Proverbs 12:1)

It is a theme that you see throughout the Proverbs. That to be truly wise, you need to be willing to accept discipline and correction. To not do so is just… stupid.

It is also unwise to think you know it all and never need advice. As it says in verse 15,

The way of a fool seems right to him,
but a wise man listens to advice. (Proverbs 12:15)

Another blunt, but picturesque proverb,

A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown,
but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones. (Proverbs 12:4)

I suppose you can take this in two ways.

From the man’s standpoint, be careful who you marry. Looks are not everything. A wife of noble character will enrich your life. But a wife of poor moral fiber will be like decaying bones in your life.

From the woman’s standpoint, what kind of wife are you? Are you bringing life and joy to your husband? Or decay?

Another blunt piece of wisdom:

He who works his land will have abundant food,
but he who chases fantasies lacks judgment. (Proverbs 12:11)

So many people, rather than working hard, look for easy ways to make money and end up losing everything.

They waste their money on gambling or lotteries or other follies when they could get all they need just by putting in a decent day of work.

One final blunt piece of wisdom,

A fool shows his annoyance at once,
but a prudent man overlooks an insult. (Proverbs 12:16)

Are you quick to show annoyance? To your husband? To your wife? To your coworker? To your friend? If so, Solomon calls you a fool.

Reacting with annoyance whenever someone does something you don’t like is a good way to hurt, if not destroy, your relationships. A wise person is patient and is willing to overlook people’s faults.

Even when a person purposely does something to insult you or annoy you, it’s often wiser to just overlook it rather than blow up. If you know someone who likes to provoke you, you’re only feeding the fire by responding to it.

Am I saying that you should never confront someone? Of course not.

If your husband or wife or friend consistently does something to annoy you, it’s good to talk to them about it.

Talk to them once. Talk to them twice. After that, leave it in the hands of God. Let him deal with them. And ask God to give you his patience in dealing with them.

The thing to remember is that you cannot change a person. Only God can do that. So don’t try. Leave it in the hands of the only one who truly can change a person’s life.

As we look at these proverbs, let us not be, as Solomon puts it, stupid.

Let us not be stubborn and make excuses about why they’re unreasonable in our situation. Let us instead be wise, accepting God’s words of discipline and correction.

If we do, we’ll find a lot less frustration and a lot more joy in our relationships and our lives.

Categories
Proverbs

Delighting in your wife (and husband)

This is one of several long passages warning against adultery in the book of Proverbs.

In this world, people have lost sight of what marriage is about, and largely because of that, what sex is all about.

Marriage is about two people learning to delight in each other to the point that they become one. Not just sexually, but emotionally and spiritually as well.

And when two people can achieve that true oneness, there is no other human relationship like it in the world. You have two people that know each other in every way, and yet totally accept one another.

I read a shirt recently (one of the few in Japan that actually made any sense), and it said that “Love is blind.”

I don’t believe that is true. True love sees everything, and loves anyway. It sees everything, and still takes delight in the other person.

And when husband and wife have that kind of relationship, there is an exhilaration in knowing you are completely loved and accepted.

You aren’t constantly being judged, or compared to others. You are accepted for who you are.

Not only that, despite all your failures and weaknesses, you know that your partner delights in you and in being with you.

But what is an adulterous woman or man like? There can be no such relationship.

If you know they were unfaithful to their partner in sleeping with you, there’s got to be at least a seed of suspicion that they could be unfaithful to you.

If they are comparing their partner unfavorably to you, what will happen when they find another lover and start comparing them to you?

Even the adulterous person has no idea where their “love” will take them because they’re just unthinkingly going wherever it leads them. And they have no idea just how warped the path they’re taking is.

As Solomon wrote,

She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths are crooked, but she knows it not. (Proverbs 5:6)

As a result, you can never have any kind of long-term relationship with an adulterous person.

It may start out “delightful,” but always ends leaving a bitter taste in your mouth.

Solomon put it this way,

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
but in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.

Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave. (Proverbs 5:3–5)

Following the way of adultery can lead to eternal death apart from Christ.

Solomon warns us at the end of the chapter that God is watching us and that he will judge us for our sin, namely (in this passage), for adultery.

But adultery can even lead to physical death. At the hands of a jealous husband or wife. Or as a result of AIDS or other STDs.

Even if it doesn’t go that far, how many people have been ruined financially because of adultery and the divorce that resulted?

And how many people have gone to that other woman or man, only to find that that person only sought to use them for their body or for their wealth?

So Solomon tells us,

Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.

Should your springs overflow in the streets,
your streams of water in the public squares?

Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers.

May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love. (Proverbs 5:15–19)

In other words, don’t spend all your time and energy (sexual or otherwise) on relationships that can have no happy end.

Instead, delight in your wife. Delight in your husband. Be captivated by their love. Learn to love them as God does. And learn to be loved by them as God loves you.

That’s the only way you can find true marital and sexual satisfaction.

Categories
Psalms

Bonded to Jesus

Psalms

It says in the title of Psalm 45 that it was written for the wedding of a king. But in it, we see the wedding not only of the king it was written for, but the wedding of the great King of kings.

We are called the bride of Christ, and in this passage, we see both our groom, and how we are to respond to him as his bride.

In the first part, we see the description of the king, and in it we see many pictures of Christ. It shows him as a man of grace, saying,

You are the most excellent of men and your lips have been anointed with grace, since God has blessed you forever. (Psalm 45:2)

It also shows him as a mighty warrior.

Gird your sword on your side, you mighty one;
clothe yourself with splendor and majesty.

In your majesty ride forth victoriously in the cause of truth, humility and justice;
let your right hand achieve awesome deeds.

Let your sharp arrows pierce the hearts of the king’s enemies;
let the nations fall beneath your feet. (3–5)

And it shows him as our king.

Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever;
a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom.

You love righteousness and hate wickedness;
therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy. (6–7)

These last two verses in particular are attributed directly to Jesus in the book of Hebrews (1:8–9).

But then the psalmist talks to us, Christ’s bride, saying,

Listen, daughter, and pay careful attention: Forget your people and your father’s house. (10)

The idea behind this actually comes from Genesis where God says that when people get married, they are to leave behind their parents, be joined to their spouse, and become one with their partner.

Of course, the passage in Genesis specifically talks of the man doing this, but we see here that it applies equally to his wife.

When we are bonded to Christ, we are to leave behind all ties that would keep us from truly being one with him.

I’ve been truly fortunate to grow up in a Christian home, but I know others who in deciding to follow Christ have had struggles with their parents over becoming a Christian.

Others have had to leave behind friends that would have held them back from following Christ.

Ideally, of course, we wouldn’t have to literally do that. Ideally, they would see Christ in us and decide to follow him too.

But there are times when we have to say to our family and friends, “I’m sorry, I can’t go the way you are going. I’m following Christ.”

The psalmist goes on to tell the bride,

Let the king be enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord. (11)

What kind of beauty is this? Physical beauty? No. As Peter said in talking to wives,

It should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. (1 Peter 3:4)

And we are to honor him with our whole lives, since he is our Lord.

He then sings,

All glorious is the princess within her chamber; her gown is interwoven with gold.

In embroidered garments she is led to the king;
her virgin companions follow her —
those brought to be with her.

Led in with joy and gladness,
they enter the palace of the king. (13–15)

Why is the bride glorious? Because she has been clothed and made beautiful by the king who has chosen her.

This passage reminds me of what Christ has done for us, who,

…loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. (Ephesians 5:25–27)

May we ever live lives bonded in this way to our King.

Categories
Malachi

Acting treacherously against your spouse

Broken heart

We come to a pretty painful topic for many people. Around 50% of marriages, even among Christians sadly, end in divorce. The percentage is much lower in Japan, where I live, but even here, the total is rising.

In this passage, God addresses two things. First, he said,

Have we not all one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our fathers by breaking faith with one another?

Judah has broken faith. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem: Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the LORD loves, by marrying the daughter of a foreign god. (Malachi 2:10–11)

We mentioned before in Ezra and Nehemiah that even the leaders and priests in Israel had started to intermarry with the people around them.

Why was this wrong? Basically because these foreigners were leading Israel into idol worship, which was what caused their exile in the first place.

Nehemiah, when he saw this, sharply rebuked the people saying,

Was it not because of marriages like these that Solomon king of Israel sinned?

Among the many nations there was no king like him. He was loved by his God, and God made him king over all Israel, but even he was led into sin by foreign women. (Nehemiah 13:26)

What was Nehemiah’s point?

Even the strongest believer in God can be led into becoming unfaithful by an unbelieving spouse.

That’s why it’s very dangerous for a Christian to marry someone who is not.

And it was for that reason that God strictly forbade his people from marrying idol-worshippers.

But there was something even worse about these marriages. Malachi wrote,

Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’s altar with tears.

You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?”

It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. (Malachi 2:13–14)

The people were wondering why God seemed against them. Why he didn’t seem to accept with pleasure what they offered him. And God makes it very clear.

Not only did they marry these idol-worshippers, but they had broken faith with the women they had married in order to do so.

In doing so, they had broken faith with God since they had made their vows before him. And so God told them that he was standing as a witness against them.

He then reminded them that it was he who had started the institution of marriage and that when they got married, it was he who made them one flesh.

So not only did they belong to each other, they belonged to him. And he made them one so that when they had children, they would grow up in godly families and learn to have a strong relationship with God like their parents.

Divorce has a terrible effect on children. And many times it not only warps a child’s view of marriage, it also warps the child’s view on God as well.

God reveals himself as our loving Father, but so many children of divorced parents can’t relate to that because they rarely see their father. They think God is like their earthly father. Unfaithful to his promises and never there when you need him.

God then makes crystal clear his feelings on divorce.

“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty. (Malachi 2:16)

God hates divorce. He hates adultery. He hates domestic violence. He hates anything that breaks faith with our spouse.

I find it interesting here that he focuses on the men more than the women.

Certainly, part of the reason was that in those days, it was the men who had the power to divorce their spouse, not the women.

But I think there’s another reason. God puts primary responsibility of keeping the marriage strong on the husband. We see this throughout scripture. Peter himself said,

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:7)

Husbands were divorcing and abusing their physically weaker partners in Malachi, and God condemned them for it.

How about you? Are you in any way acting treacherously against your wife? Are you in any way acting treacherously against your husband?

Let us be faithful not only to our partner, but to the God who joined us together.

Categories
Exodus

Ten Commandments: A vital relationship

It’s interesting to me which human relationship God chose to address first and foremost in the Ten Commandments: the relationship between parents and their children.

He said, “Honor your father and your mother.”

And as Paul mentioned in Ephesians 6:2–3, it’s the first commandment that comes with a promise,

that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.

(Paul paraphrased a bit God’s repetition of this command in Deuteronomy 5:16.)

Why is this relationship so important in the eyes of God?

Because it shapes all of our other relationships as well.

A child’s first relationships are with his or her parents. If children relate well with their parents, there’s a good chance that they’ll relate well with the people around them.

A child learns how to honor other people, especially their elders, by honoring their parents.

If they don’t learn to honor their parents early in life, it becomes difficult for them to honor other people.

When I was working with elementary school and high school students here in Japan, I saw students with an utter lack of respect for their teachers.

The teacher would be talking, and the students would be talking in loud voices, totally ignoring the teacher.

Other students would sit in their own corner doing their own thing while the rest of the students did their schoolwork.

Why? Most obviously, they never learned to honor others.

Many of these kids probably come from dysfunctional families, where they never learned to honor their parents. And so they have no clue what it means to honor the people in authority in their lives.

But if they never learn that, it will cause problems as they try to live in society, dealing not only with teachers, but with other authority figures in society—bosses, the police, etc.

Our relationship with our parents also affects our other relationships too, including our marriage relationships.

One thing I desired in a marriage partner was a woman who honored her father.

Unfortunately, there are too many women who don’t respect or honor their fathers, and as a result, they have little respect for the husbands they marry.

I suppose the same goes with men who don’t know how to respect their mothers. If they don’t know how to honor their mothers, how in the world are they going to know how to honor their wives?

If you’re considering marrying someone, I recommend you take a close look at the relationships they have with their parents.

If they do not respect or honor their parents, it may be a big warning sign on how they may treat you.

I consider myself very fortunate to have found a woman who respects both her mother and father.

But our relationship with our parents also shapes our relationship with God.

How we relate with our parents, and especially with our fathers, can have a strong bearing on our relationship with God.

Children who do not honor their parents, who have never learned to trust their parents, to love them, or to obey them, often have problems doing so with God, who is our true Father.

But when children honor their parents, it bodes well for their future relationships with others, for their lives in society, and most of all for their relationship with God.

That’s why God could say that if you honor your parents, your life will go well, and you will enjoy a long life on this earth.

Do you honor your parents?

As children, honoring includes the idea of obedience. As long as you live under their house, you live under their rules.

But although you are no longer bound to obey them after you leave to start your own life, you are to honor them.

Respect their feelings. Respect their opinions.

You don’t have to always agree with them. But let them know that you value them as people—as your parents.

Maybe you have parents that you don’t feel are worthy of respect. They may not be.

But God did not say, “Honor your parents only if they are deserving of it.”

God just said, “Honor your parents.”

Part of that means praying for them. Praying that God would touch them and bring change to their lives.

But also praying that God would show you what things you need to do to honor them in your life.

Do you honor your parents in your life? And as a parent yourself, are you teaching your children to honor you?

Are you a parent who is easy to honor and respect?

If we honor our parents and teach our children to honor us, we and our children will find the life that God desires for us to have here on this earth.

Categories
Genesis

No shame

When I look at this passage, I’m struck by the goodness of God. How as he created man, he took such care to provide for him.

He plants a garden with trees that he made sure were good for food and not only that, but pleasing to the eye as well. He also gives him pleasant work to do within the garden.

Then, perhaps even before the man realized his own need, God realized that the man needed a companion, one who would be “just right” (NLT) for him. So God created Eve.

And the reaction by Adam is instantaneous. “WOW! This is what I’ve been looking for. This is the one for me!”

And the Bible says that both were naked, but not ashamed. (Genesis 2:25)

That’s what marriage should be. Complete nakedness. I’m not just talking about sex. But nakedness of the soul. And complete acceptance. Knowing each part of the other person, and accepting them, and even celebrating who they are.

How many marriages fail because they lack this. All of us long to know and to be known. And be accepted.

The ability to laugh. To play. To share. To be intimate. How much has the thief of John 10:10 taken away from what marriage is? And all because we refuse to bare our souls completely to each other because we’re too afraid of rejection.

Maybe we’ve already suffered the scars of rejection and that prevents us from trying again.

But as we turn to the Author of Life, as we learn about his unconditional acceptance of us and find his healing.

And as we learn how to accept the people around us as he does, he is able to breathe new life into our dead marriages and relationships and make them as they were in the beginning: naked, but not ashamed.